Day 9 – struggle

Today has been a struggle . Work was a tough day but on reflection I think it caused me more stress than the situation warranted . So I think one of three things is happening :

1/ alcohol is still coming out of my system . My body is working hard to recover and I’m in withdrawal which is impacting on my emotional well being .

2/ emotions and feelings are heightened as they are not dulled my wine or hangover . So feeling feels strange and uncomfortable but I just need to get used to them . When they feel normal they will be much easier to bear

3/ the wine witch is nagging away in the back of my mind encouraging me to react to minor situations by feeling very stressed and then I have an excuse to drink .

I haven’t drunk . I had a bubble bath , spent some time with my girls . I’m sat having a seedlip and diet tonic watching rubbish soaps . But that’s what I feel like doing , nothing . So I have my book next to me for if I feel like reading and easy watch tv .

I want to get these feelings down as when things get easier I have these posts to look back on . When the wine witch is saying you have done three months and a drink won’t harm , I could look back at what I’ve been through and think , do I really do any to have to do day 1 , 2, 6,7,9 again etc . I felt crap !!!

So today I have felt stressed and tearful but I’ve held it together , engaged in self care and let these bloody awful uncomfortable feelings just be there .

Day 9. Day 9 though and for that I’m proud xxxx

Tearing my hair out

Day 8 . I have been to a 1940s weekend today with my family . It was lovely but stressful . My gorgeous 13 year old wanting to do totally different things to my six year old . Me playing peace keeper . My hubby had a couple of pints . People were drinking in the sun . I felt stressed because I wanted everyone to have a nice time . I was able to step back though and observe my feelings and recognise why I felt like a drink . Although I felt like tearing my hair out I was able to stay with these feelings . This is a first and I feel anxious still ,I feel a bit pent up but have had a bubble bath , read a bit and now chilling . Looking after myself while I feel a bit het up xxxx

Day 4 and feeling it

Today was woke up before my alarm . I had slept amazingly . I must remember how well I sleep when not been drinking alcohol.

I was making a home made tea for the kids at 6am that I could leave ready for their nan. No chicken nuggets and chips for my children , well not at least while I’m on a roll . You see my body is my temple and I want to feed my precious little people and myself and hubby good wholesome food . Put goodness in .

I am by the nature of my personality all or nothing x not just with alcohol but with food too .

Sometimes my children have chicken nuggets and chips followed by a pizza the night after , it depends on where I’m at .

I want perfection . I crave to be the perfect mother . I am either failing miserably ( in my own mind ) or being a huge success . Actually rarely the latter in my own mind .

I am either trying to protect our health by us being super healthy or I’m on self destruct , first glass of wine at 5 pm, chocolate before tea , and taking my unsuspecting tribe with me .

You see I try so hard to hide all this . So bloody hard and it’s exhausting.

I said to my eldest daughter the other day ( she is 13 ) , I am so lucky to have you two girls . Not every mum gets such lovely children . Her reply ,

“Not every child has such s lovely kind and caring mum . We are so lucky too . ” it brought a tear to my eye . So as I strive for perfection and nearly drive myself into the ground with the pressure of that , do my children need perfection?

I’m babbling. I didn’t plan this post just felt a need to write xxxx

Day 4 ❤️

Step 1 aa and the alcohol experiment

I signed up for the alcohol experiment on sat . By Annie grace and my start day was yesterday . So today I am on day two .

I have also continued reading my quit lit . I am reading a book about the steps of aa . The first step being ” we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – our lives had become unmanageable ” .

It went on to say that the obsession of the problem drinker is being able to drink like a normal person . And that they will set rules, ie no drinking before six , not through the week etc that they all break . It says that many people are stuck at this stage for years .

This seems so true for me . I have spent so much time And energy figuring out how I could drink normally as I couldn’t bear the thought of never drinking again .

But something has shifted . I am starting to accept and need to keep working on my acceptance that I just can’t drink because I do not drink like a normal person . I have had years of trying and it just doesn’t work . Once I start I can’t stop . I have no off button and despite years of trying to develop one it has not happened . Whether I change my drink , alternate with water , all my intentions go out of the window . It does not work . And all the rules I set I break . Only drink when I’m out , lasted two days , only drink gin and no wine , lasted a week . Don’t drink before six pm , oh well it’s half five so close enough . I Cannot moderate . I can’t . So I’m working on step one . I get it . I think it’s finally dawning on me …..

Day 3 with a little help

Well day three here again . Feeling more positive and sleeping better x

Have decided though I cannot do this on my own. So I have done a couple of things . The first I have looked into getting a recovery coach and have an assessment planned in with her next week .

Secondly I have looked for aa groups around my area and have written them all down . I have the information there at the drop of a hat should I need it .

Thirdly I have been looking into medication and I’m not sure if that is something to consider or if I want to broach with gp, but will mull it over .

This is a very short post . I don’t have much to say today . I feel that things are starting to shift . Maybe this is the calm before the storm ☔️ xxx

Day 1

here again ,

Standing small ,

So fed up ,

So scared to fall ,

This same old journey

Begins again ,

Different outcome ?

Different gain ?

I hope and prey ,

And won’t give up ,

I really have had enough ,

Life through the eyes of a big wine glass ,

Really becomes a lot of a hash .

So Day one I’m here again .

Fragile and scared ,

But I need to be brave

I know that life can be so great

I have so much good and so much love

But first I need to rid the witch

The ugly horrible mean old witch

With wine in her hand and a smile on her face ,

She will be there wherever I turn .

But it’s time to beat her , to squash her power , to keep her quiet hour after hour .

Goodbye now my faithful friend , I don’t need you anymore , you have reached your end xxxx

The beginning -part two

So I continued to go on with life until a traumatic event and then I drank a lot . I remember I couldn’t write more than my name in my re gcse because I was soooo hungover . I began to take a hundred laxatives a day and make myself vomit after food . I binged though so badly . I binged in food and alcohol and was totally out of control on every level and desperately unhappy . I was referred to a child psychiatric and she wanted to admit me to hospital . I went to look round and felt I could talk to the staff but my mum said there was no way her daughter was being admitted to a place like that and I stopped seeing the psychiatrist and we stopped talking about my very disordered eating . I was 14 at that time . We just ignored it .

I carried on drinking and binging and vomiting and then my dad developed lung cancer . My dad was 44 and I was 17 , my brother 16. Dad became very poorly very quickly and we very sadly watched him for a dreadful death of cancer . We were all heartbroken.

This sounds like I’m blaming but I’m really not . I guess I’m just trying to make sense of things , to understand why I am and try and change that . My mum totally fell apart . She cried from the moment she got up in a morning until she went to bed at night . She used to say things like I wish somebody would stab me when I’m taking the dog out , or if it wasn’t for you and your brother I would kill myself x

My mum is an identical twin sister and her sister used to say ‘don’t cry you have to look after your mum ‘ or ‘ it’s ok for you , you will grow older and meet someone and have children but your mum never will ‘

As a consequence my brother and I hid our grief . We all muddled on on our own journeys totally alone .

I had always wanted to be an actress and my dad had always encouraged me so at 18 I auditioned for a drama school in London and was accepted . In hindsight living in London on my own after my dad had just died and I was so bloody unhappy and destructive anyway wasn’t the best idea but off I went to live in London .

I hated it . I felt anxious and drank lots of alcohol and became anorexic with bulimia . I couldn’t say I wanted to go home so looking back I think I showed my mum. I became anorexic and lost lots of weight that I was so poorly I had to leave and move back home and be admitted into hospital.

I love my mum but she did some weird things . She sneaked me wine into hospital without my asking her . She put up pictures of pigs on the fridge saying those who indulge bulge . She left laxatives lying around when I was taking 100 a day : my therapist said usually we have parents ringing saying how can we help but we haven’t had any of that with your mum . They insisted on coming to visit me at tea time even though Katie told them meal times was very distressing for me and they couldn’t see me then . It really was bizarre .

Ok today is my first day back at work after pneumonia and I need to go to a meeting . But I feel I need to work through all this in my mind and try and make sense .

Today is also day one ☝️ of no wine again for me .

Today I will not drink x

Much love the sober queen 👸