Hi all . I am sorry I feel I’m posting on here lots . It just helps get things out of my head and down I think . Start to make sense of things .
This evening I picked my girls up after work . We came home and they went on trampoline and argued ! So instead of thinking is it bed time so I can have wine , i de escalated and went on the trampoline with my youngest . Then bathed her and then went and had a chat with eldest . Felt less agitated as wasn’t worried about when I could get wine ! There was no rush .
I love reading novels and thought I would be instantly reading but I keep picking books up and putting back down . Day three and can’t concentrate on books so spending time watching rubbish tv . Tonight watching Ab Fab to make me laugh !!!
The other thing I’ve realised not feeling rough at work , I am totally bored to death at work , unchallenged, uninspired, unstimulated , bored bored bored .
What realisations will tomorrow bring xxxx
So I started off feeling dreadful . I had to massively keep focusing on my breathing on Monday as felt permanently on the verge of a panick attack .
Day three now and I slept better last night . Feel very tired but definately less anxious .
I am constantly thinking about wine and wishing I could have it but I think that may well be normal at this stage .
I am drinking lots of water and eating healthy . I want to nourish my body .
I still feel down but not on the verge of tears the whole time . I’m at the start of a change in my life xxxx
Had my first session with my sober coach today . it went well , feeling hopeful and not quite as despairing . Feels my anxious still and down and tired but I guess the only way is up xxxx
I just want to get down somewhere how dreadful things are at the minute and how awful I feel . We think most of it is due to alcohol .
I want to remember how tearful and sad and down I feel
. I want the remember these feelings as I start to get better . I don’t want to be here again .
Short post . I’m at work struggling though . I have so much anxiety and so many knots in my tummy I feel so sick .
Day 1 xxxx
Today has been a struggle . Work was a tough day but on reflection I think it caused me more stress than the situation warranted . So I think one of three things is happening :
1/ alcohol is still coming out of my system . My body is working hard to recover and I’m in withdrawal which is impacting on my emotional well being .
2/ emotions and feelings are heightened as they are not dulled my wine or hangover . So feeling feels strange and uncomfortable but I just need to get used to them . When they feel normal they will be much easier to bear
3/ the wine witch is nagging away in the back of my mind encouraging me to react to minor situations by feeling very stressed and then I have an excuse to drink .
I haven’t drunk . I had a bubble bath , spent some time with my girls . I’m sat having a seedlip and diet tonic watching rubbish soaps . But that’s what I feel like doing , nothing . So I have my book next to me for if I feel like reading and easy watch tv .
I want to get these feelings down as when things get easier I have these posts to look back on . When the wine witch is saying you have done three months and a drink won’t harm , I could look back at what I’ve been through and think , do I really do any to have to do day 1 , 2, 6,7,9 again etc . I felt crap !!!
So today I have felt stressed and tearful but I’ve held it together , engaged in self care and let these bloody awful uncomfortable feelings just be there .
Day 9. Day 9 though and for that I’m proud xxxx
Day 8 . I have been to a 1940s weekend today with my family . It was lovely but stressful . My gorgeous 13 year old wanting to do totally different things to my six year old . Me playing peace keeper . My hubby had a couple of pints . People were drinking in the sun . I felt stressed because I wanted everyone to have a nice time . I was able to step back though and observe my feelings and recognise why I felt like a drink . Although I felt like tearing my hair out I was able to stay with these feelings . This is a first and I feel anxious still ,I feel a bit pent up but have had a bubble bath , read a bit and now chilling . Looking after myself while I feel a bit het up xxxx
Today was woke up before my alarm . I had slept amazingly . I must remember how well I sleep when not been drinking alcohol.
I was making a home made tea for the kids at 6am that I could leave ready for their nan. No chicken nuggets and chips for my children , well not at least while I’m on a roll . You see my body is my temple and I want to feed my precious little people and myself and hubby good wholesome food . Put goodness in .
I am by the nature of my personality all or nothing x not just with alcohol but with food too .
Sometimes my children have chicken nuggets and chips followed by a pizza the night after , it depends on where I’m at .
I want perfection . I crave to be the perfect mother . I am either failing miserably ( in my own mind ) or being a huge success . Actually rarely the latter in my own mind .
I am either trying to protect our health by us being super healthy or I’m on self destruct , first glass of wine at 5 pm, chocolate before tea , and taking my unsuspecting tribe with me .
You see I try so hard to hide all this . So bloody hard and it’s exhausting.
I said to my eldest daughter the other day ( she is 13 ) , I am so lucky to have you two girls . Not every mum gets such lovely children . Her reply ,
“Not every child has such s lovely kind and caring mum . We are so lucky too . ” it brought a tear to my eye . So as I strive for perfection and nearly drive myself into the ground with the pressure of that , do my children need perfection?
I’m babbling. I didn’t plan this post just felt a need to write xxxx
Day 4 ❤️