The beginning -part two

So I continued to go on with life until a traumatic event and then I drank a lot . I remember I couldn’t write more than my name in my re gcse because I was soooo hungover . I began to take a hundred laxatives a day and make myself vomit after food . I binged though so badly . I binged in food and alcohol and was totally out of control on every level and desperately unhappy . I was referred to a child psychiatric and she wanted to admit me to hospital . I went to look round and felt I could talk to the staff but my mum said there was no way her daughter was being admitted to a place like that and I stopped seeing the psychiatrist and we stopped talking about my very disordered eating . I was 14 at that time . We just ignored it .

I carried on drinking and binging and vomiting and then my dad developed lung cancer . My dad was 44 and I was 17 , my brother 16. Dad became very poorly very quickly and we very sadly watched him for a dreadful death of cancer . We were all heartbroken.

This sounds like I’m blaming but I’m really not . I guess I’m just trying to make sense of things , to understand why I am and try and change that . My mum totally fell apart . She cried from the moment she got up in a morning until she went to bed at night . She used to say things like I wish somebody would stab me when I’m taking the dog out , or if it wasn’t for you and your brother I would kill myself x

My mum is an identical twin sister and her sister used to say ‘don’t cry you have to look after your mum ‘ or ‘ it’s ok for you , you will grow older and meet someone and have children but your mum never will ‘

As a consequence my brother and I hid our grief . We all muddled on on our own journeys totally alone .

I had always wanted to be an actress and my dad had always encouraged me so at 18 I auditioned for a drama school in London and was accepted . In hindsight living in London on my own after my dad had just died and I was so bloody unhappy and destructive anyway wasn’t the best idea but off I went to live in London .

I hated it . I felt anxious and drank lots of alcohol and became anorexic with bulimia . I couldn’t say I wanted to go home so looking back I think I showed my mum. I became anorexic and lost lots of weight that I was so poorly I had to leave and move back home and be admitted into hospital.

I love my mum but she did some weird things . She sneaked me wine into hospital without my asking her . She put up pictures of pigs on the fridge saying those who indulge bulge . She left laxatives lying around when I was taking 100 a day : my therapist said usually we have parents ringing saying how can we help but we haven’t had any of that with your mum . They insisted on coming to visit me at tea time even though Katie told them meal times was very distressing for me and they couldn’t see me then . It really was bizarre .

Ok today is my first day back at work after pneumonia and I need to go to a meeting . But I feel I need to work through all this in my mind and try and make sense .

Today is also day one ☝️ of no wine again for me .

Today I will not drink x

Much love the sober queen 👸

Where I began

Growing up my parents owned a hotel . It was full of people all the time . We had staff we had guests . We had a bar . I don’t remember my first alcoholic drink but I remember I regularly walked into the bar on an evening and asked my dad for a glass of wine . In fact I used to help myself . Blue nun it was then .

My parents were very busy . We were very loved that I am sure and as I write this it isn’t about blame . As an adult I take responsibility for my own choices , I’m just going back to try and make sense of things , how I have got here , what is holding me back from change .

We didn’t have many boundaries. My parents were busy . I remember going to the pub at thirteen years old and getting drunk and smoking a spliff and my friend and I went back to my house and nobody asked where we had been or noticed we were drunk . I got away with murder because my parents were so busy working hard to provide a nice life for us . I look back and I think I was screaming for some attention . I remember leaving a bag of speed on my pillow and my mum didn’t mention it . I left it out deliberately. Because I had so much freedom , I got into Alstorts it messes .

I became increasingly unhappy and became very eating disordered . The hotel was a breeding ground for eating disorders. The waitresses used to say ‘ I’m just going to make myself sick ‘ . Three of the waitresses had anorexia and a number bulimia . My mum had a weird relationship with food and I always felt I had to be thin to be loved . My mum is a twin sister and her sister worked at the hotel too and my cousin so there’ was lots of competition around who could be the thinnest .

I remember one of the waitresses teaching me how to make myself sick after eating . We took laxatives , made ourselves vomit , drank copious amounts of alcohol and used recreational drugs . I had absolutely no boundaries at all and I never learnt how to set boundaries for myself around anything .

Phew ! This is quite difficult to write there feels so much to say . I’m going to break and continue this post tomorrow xxxx

Wine witch 🧙‍♀️ 100 – the wrong mind set

Ok so I no I need to stop drinking . I don’t know if I need to stop drinking forever but I think I definitely need to do a significant amount of time . So my challenge will be a year . This should allow significant time to reflect on my relationships with alcohol and re set my relationship with alcohol . That said I am not in the right mind set and I am unsure how to get myself back into the right mindset ! I am reading so much on alcohol . I am about to start reading I need to stop drinking so I’ll let you know my thoughts on that . I need to stop drinking but at the moment don’t know how . I feel stuck in the contemplation stage of the cycle of change and need to move myself through . Maybe I should start at the beginning and explore my early relationship with alcohol 🍷. I think so xxx

The sober queen

Day 1 ….again

Well I have had pneumonia and just starting to recover . Yesterday was Mother’s Day in the uk and I had a lovely day with my gorgeous girls but my mum had brought me a bottle of wine to cheer me up because I have been so poorly. I do question why anybody would buy a person with pneumonia wine . ? Anyway I don’t know why but impulsively and in a detached from my feelings way I opened it and drank it .?what can I say ? So day one here I am again ….. the wine witch 1 – the sober queen 0 . 😐

Pneumonia

Hi I went to bed fine but woke up unable to breath . Been to a and e and diagnosed pneumonia. So I’m sorry I’m not going to be writing or reading blog posts . I am really poorly . But just wanted to let you know I’m not off drinking , im still sober I’m

Just poorly . Be back in few days when I hopefully start to feel better xx

Why I am quitting booze

So booze 🍷, wine in particular has plagued me . So I thought I would find it helpful to put pen to paper to think about what I don’t like about alcohol and me . 😐

1/ it has made me fat . When I drink I eat crap , I eat crap while I am drinking and the next day .

2/ I look bloated

3/ it isn’t a good role model for my daughters . They don’t see me drunk but do see me with glass wine in hand frequently

4/ I frequently don’t remember going to bed

5/ I sleep badly often waking up around three am feeling anxious

6/ I constantly feel tired because I am always semi hungover

7/ I have lost motivation at work

8/ I constantly think about what time I can have a glass of wine

9/ I have Crohn’s disease and will make myself ill if I continue to drink as I have been

10/ I have no off switch x however my good intentions once I start to drink I drink till the alcohol is gone or until I pass out .

11/my memory is poor

12/ I can feel generally anxious

13/ I have experienced depression and in anti depressants but actually don’t know if it’s alcohol or a genuine depression and anxiety disorder .

So what do I hope to achieve from stopping alcohol

1/ better sleep

2/ reduced anxiety

3/ more patience as a mum

4/ happier person

5/ improved physical health

6/ more positive attitude

7/better role model for daughters

8/improved mood

9/ remembering what I have read / watched

10/ more energy

11/get a true idea of how my symptoms of crohns are

12/ improved skin

13/ lose weight

14/ improve memory

15: more money 💰.

The sober queen xxxx

Still day 6 and other addicts

So just sat thinking and last year I engaged in therapy with some success .i learnt that I have an issue with boundaries in general . But I am reflecting now and think what was my therapist thinking ! I have had therapy before but this time I specifically sought it for alcohol 🍷.

I first rang and explained I felt frightened and out of control with alcohol and food mainly but alcohol I desperately needed to address . I explained I was drinking a bottle of wine daily . Her response “you had the rest of the population ” . I didn’t feel as bad . My therapist was a general nurse by background who had worked in addictions she trained as a therapist . In therapy I explained I needed to stop . I was told I didn’t need to stop as we had established I wasn’t physically addicted and I would gradually moderate as my self esteem rose 🌹. If I continued to drink it would give us something to work on . I look back now and think how bloody irresponsible.

I spoke to my gorgeous friend Jane . Jane is a mental health nurse ( as am I ) who worked in addiction for many years . Most people I no drink a bottle of wine a day she told me , do you think it’s out if perception in your mind ?

When I stopped two years ago for four or five months people looked st me like was insane. My family members hated I wasn’t drinking but I look at them all now and though love them all , they are all heavy drinkers

As belle says in her book tired of thinking about drinking “surround yourself with other addicts and anything can appear normal ”