Here I am again

Hi all . I am sorry I feel I’m posting on here lots . It just helps get things out of my head and down I think . Start to make sense of things .

This evening I picked my girls up after work . We came home and they went on trampoline and argued ! So instead of thinking is it bed time so I can have wine , i de escalated and went on the trampoline with my youngest . Then bathed her and then went and had a chat with eldest . Felt less agitated as wasn’t worried about when I could get wine ! There was no rush .

I love reading novels and thought I would be instantly reading but I keep picking books up and putting back down . Day three and can’t concentrate on books so spending time watching rubbish tv . Tonight watching Ab Fab to make me laugh !!!

The other thing I’ve realised not feeling rough at work , I am totally bored to death at work , unchallenged, uninspired, unstimulated , bored bored bored .

What realisations will tomorrow bring xxxx

Keeping going

Ok

So I started off feeling dreadful . I had to massively keep focusing on my breathing on Monday as felt permanently on the verge of a panick attack .

Day three now and I slept better last night . Feel very tired but definately less anxious .

I am constantly thinking about wine and wishing I could have it but I think that may well be normal at this stage .

I am drinking lots of water and eating healthy . I want to nourish my body .

I still feel down but not on the verge of tears the whole time . I’m at the start of a change in my life xxxx

Day 1 check in

I just want to get down somewhere how dreadful things are at the minute and how awful I feel . We think most of it is due to alcohol .

I want to remember how tearful and sad and down I feel

. I want the remember these feelings as I start to get better . I don’t want to be here again .

Short post . I’m at work struggling though . I have so much anxiety and so many knots in my tummy I feel so sick .

Day 1 xxxx

Day 9 – struggle

Today has been a struggle . Work was a tough day but on reflection I think it caused me more stress than the situation warranted . So I think one of three things is happening :

1/ alcohol is still coming out of my system . My body is working hard to recover and I’m in withdrawal which is impacting on my emotional well being .

2/ emotions and feelings are heightened as they are not dulled my wine or hangover . So feeling feels strange and uncomfortable but I just need to get used to them . When they feel normal they will be much easier to bear

3/ the wine witch is nagging away in the back of my mind encouraging me to react to minor situations by feeling very stressed and then I have an excuse to drink .

I haven’t drunk . I had a bubble bath , spent some time with my girls . I’m sat having a seedlip and diet tonic watching rubbish soaps . But that’s what I feel like doing , nothing . So I have my book next to me for if I feel like reading and easy watch tv .

I want to get these feelings down as when things get easier I have these posts to look back on . When the wine witch is saying you have done three months and a drink won’t harm , I could look back at what I’ve been through and think , do I really do any to have to do day 1 , 2, 6,7,9 again etc . I felt crap !!!

So today I have felt stressed and tearful but I’ve held it together , engaged in self care and let these bloody awful uncomfortable feelings just be there .

Day 9. Day 9 though and for that I’m proud xxxx

Tearing my hair out

Day 8 . I have been to a 1940s weekend today with my family . It was lovely but stressful . My gorgeous 13 year old wanting to do totally different things to my six year old . Me playing peace keeper . My hubby had a couple of pints . People were drinking in the sun . I felt stressed because I wanted everyone to have a nice time . I was able to step back though and observe my feelings and recognise why I felt like a drink . Although I felt like tearing my hair out I was able to stay with these feelings . This is a first and I feel anxious still ,I feel a bit pent up but have had a bubble bath , read a bit and now chilling . Looking after myself while I feel a bit het up xxxx

Day 4 and feeling it

Today was woke up before my alarm . I had slept amazingly . I must remember how well I sleep when not been drinking alcohol.

I was making a home made tea for the kids at 6am that I could leave ready for their nan. No chicken nuggets and chips for my children , well not at least while I’m on a roll . You see my body is my temple and I want to feed my precious little people and myself and hubby good wholesome food . Put goodness in .

I am by the nature of my personality all or nothing x not just with alcohol but with food too .

Sometimes my children have chicken nuggets and chips followed by a pizza the night after , it depends on where I’m at .

I want perfection . I crave to be the perfect mother . I am either failing miserably ( in my own mind ) or being a huge success . Actually rarely the latter in my own mind .

I am either trying to protect our health by us being super healthy or I’m on self destruct , first glass of wine at 5 pm, chocolate before tea , and taking my unsuspecting tribe with me .

You see I try so hard to hide all this . So bloody hard and it’s exhausting.

I said to my eldest daughter the other day ( she is 13 ) , I am so lucky to have you two girls . Not every mum gets such lovely children . Her reply ,

“Not every child has such s lovely kind and caring mum . We are so lucky too . ” it brought a tear to my eye . So as I strive for perfection and nearly drive myself into the ground with the pressure of that , do my children need perfection?

I’m babbling. I didn’t plan this post just felt a need to write xxxx

Day 4 ❤️