So I am sat here on day 2. Yesterday was day 1 yet again. I contemplated Sat night and my husband and I ordered a takeaway and put a movie on. my eldest daughter was at a sleep over and my youngest was in bed by half seven. I remember my first glass of wine and my second, after that it gets all fuzzy . I do not remember the movie or the food. I drank the whole bottle really quickly, and then poured a huge gin . My hubby says I drank it really quickly and then passed out. I mean where is the fun in that ? Well lets be honest there is no fun in it at all. So yesterday I felt tired and ashamed and fed up. Totally sick to death of alcohol and sick to death of me .
I stopped drinking October 2017 on the 31st for 12 months. It turned into four months . From 1st Nov until the end of Feb 2018 I did not touch a drop. I just decided I wasn’t going to drink and so I didn’t . I didn’t drink over xmas , at weekends at parties. I just stopped and guess what ! it was super easy. I had it in my head and accepted I wasn’t going to drink. Why I suddenly started to drink again I do wander. So I did and drank more and more really .I have been trying to get back to the place where I just will not drink again and accept it. But after a million day ones I am desperate. I dwell on how easy it was in 2017 and so as soon as I get a craving I buy a bottle of wine. I usually make day three but then Thursday arrives and its the start of the weekend and I drink.
I am fat , unhappy , anxious , depressed, ashamed , miserable , lethargic and ive just had enough of the mental torment of when can I next drink. I don’t know if I can ever drink or moderate . So I am trying something different. I have created this blog where I can be accountable. I am hoping its like therapy. Because it is anonymous I can bear my soul and explore my relationship with alcohol and begin to live alcohol free. I don’t know if anyone will read it and I don’t think at the minute it matters.I need to try and clear some of the treacle in my head and make things better .so day 2 , mid afternoon and here I am . see you on day three xxxx
the sober queen xxxxx