Where I began

Growing up my parents owned a hotel . It was full of people all the time . We had staff we had guests . We had a bar . I don’t remember my first alcoholic drink but I remember I regularly walked into the bar on an evening and asked my dad for a glass of wine . In fact I used to help myself . Blue nun it was then .

My parents were very busy . We were very loved that I am sure and as I write this it isn’t about blame . As an adult I take responsibility for my own choices , I’m just going back to try and make sense of things , how I have got here , what is holding me back from change .

We didn’t have many boundaries. My parents were busy . I remember going to the pub at thirteen years old and getting drunk and smoking a spliff and my friend and I went back to my house and nobody asked where we had been or noticed we were drunk . I got away with murder because my parents were so busy working hard to provide a nice life for us . I look back and I think I was screaming for some attention . I remember leaving a bag of speed on my pillow and my mum didn’t mention it . I left it out deliberately. Because I had so much freedom , I got into Alstorts it messes .

I became increasingly unhappy and became very eating disordered . The hotel was a breeding ground for eating disorders. The waitresses used to say ‘ I’m just going to make myself sick ‘ . Three of the waitresses had anorexia and a number bulimia . My mum had a weird relationship with food and I always felt I had to be thin to be loved . My mum is a twin sister and her sister worked at the hotel too and my cousin so there’ was lots of competition around who could be the thinnest .

I remember one of the waitresses teaching me how to make myself sick after eating . We took laxatives , made ourselves vomit , drank copious amounts of alcohol and used recreational drugs . I had absolutely no boundaries at all and I never learnt how to set boundaries for myself around anything .

Phew ! This is quite difficult to write there feels so much to say . I’m going to break and continue this post tomorrow xxxx