The beginning -part two

So I continued to go on with life until a traumatic event and then I drank a lot . I remember I couldn’t write more than my name in my re gcse because I was soooo hungover . I began to take a hundred laxatives a day and make myself vomit after food . I binged though so badly . I binged in food and alcohol and was totally out of control on every level and desperately unhappy . I was referred to a child psychiatric and she wanted to admit me to hospital . I went to look round and felt I could talk to the staff but my mum said there was no way her daughter was being admitted to a place like that and I stopped seeing the psychiatrist and we stopped talking about my very disordered eating . I was 14 at that time . We just ignored it .

I carried on drinking and binging and vomiting and then my dad developed lung cancer . My dad was 44 and I was 17 , my brother 16. Dad became very poorly very quickly and we very sadly watched him for a dreadful death of cancer . We were all heartbroken.

This sounds like I’m blaming but I’m really not . I guess I’m just trying to make sense of things , to understand why I am and try and change that . My mum totally fell apart . She cried from the moment she got up in a morning until she went to bed at night . She used to say things like I wish somebody would stab me when I’m taking the dog out , or if it wasn’t for you and your brother I would kill myself x

My mum is an identical twin sister and her sister used to say ‘don’t cry you have to look after your mum ‘ or ‘ it’s ok for you , you will grow older and meet someone and have children but your mum never will ‘

As a consequence my brother and I hid our grief . We all muddled on on our own journeys totally alone .

I had always wanted to be an actress and my dad had always encouraged me so at 18 I auditioned for a drama school in London and was accepted . In hindsight living in London on my own after my dad had just died and I was so bloody unhappy and destructive anyway wasn’t the best idea but off I went to live in London .

I hated it . I felt anxious and drank lots of alcohol and became anorexic with bulimia . I couldn’t say I wanted to go home so looking back I think I showed my mum. I became anorexic and lost lots of weight that I was so poorly I had to leave and move back home and be admitted into hospital.

I love my mum but she did some weird things . She sneaked me wine into hospital without my asking her . She put up pictures of pigs on the fridge saying those who indulge bulge . She left laxatives lying around when I was taking 100 a day : my therapist said usually we have parents ringing saying how can we help but we haven’t had any of that with your mum . They insisted on coming to visit me at tea time even though Katie told them meal times was very distressing for me and they couldn’t see me then . It really was bizarre .

Ok today is my first day back at work after pneumonia and I need to go to a meeting . But I feel I need to work through all this in my mind and try and make sense .

Today is also day one ☝️ of no wine again for me .

Today I will not drink x

Much love the sober queen 👸

Where I began

Growing up my parents owned a hotel . It was full of people all the time . We had staff we had guests . We had a bar . I don’t remember my first alcoholic drink but I remember I regularly walked into the bar on an evening and asked my dad for a glass of wine . In fact I used to help myself . Blue nun it was then .

My parents were very busy . We were very loved that I am sure and as I write this it isn’t about blame . As an adult I take responsibility for my own choices , I’m just going back to try and make sense of things , how I have got here , what is holding me back from change .

We didn’t have many boundaries. My parents were busy . I remember going to the pub at thirteen years old and getting drunk and smoking a spliff and my friend and I went back to my house and nobody asked where we had been or noticed we were drunk . I got away with murder because my parents were so busy working hard to provide a nice life for us . I look back and I think I was screaming for some attention . I remember leaving a bag of speed on my pillow and my mum didn’t mention it . I left it out deliberately. Because I had so much freedom , I got into Alstorts it messes .

I became increasingly unhappy and became very eating disordered . The hotel was a breeding ground for eating disorders. The waitresses used to say ‘ I’m just going to make myself sick ‘ . Three of the waitresses had anorexia and a number bulimia . My mum had a weird relationship with food and I always felt I had to be thin to be loved . My mum is a twin sister and her sister worked at the hotel too and my cousin so there’ was lots of competition around who could be the thinnest .

I remember one of the waitresses teaching me how to make myself sick after eating . We took laxatives , made ourselves vomit , drank copious amounts of alcohol and used recreational drugs . I had absolutely no boundaries at all and I never learnt how to set boundaries for myself around anything .

Phew ! This is quite difficult to write there feels so much to say . I’m going to break and continue this post tomorrow xxxx

Wine witch 🧙‍♀️ 100 – the wrong mind set

Ok so I no I need to stop drinking . I don’t know if I need to stop drinking forever but I think I definitely need to do a significant amount of time . So my challenge will be a year . This should allow significant time to reflect on my relationships with alcohol and re set my relationship with alcohol . That said I am not in the right mind set and I am unsure how to get myself back into the right mindset ! I am reading so much on alcohol . I am about to start reading I need to stop drinking so I’ll let you know my thoughts on that . I need to stop drinking but at the moment don’t know how . I feel stuck in the contemplation stage of the cycle of change and need to move myself through . Maybe I should start at the beginning and explore my early relationship with alcohol 🍷. I think so xxx

The sober queen

Day 1 ….again

Well I have had pneumonia and just starting to recover . Yesterday was Mother’s Day in the uk and I had a lovely day with my gorgeous girls but my mum had brought me a bottle of wine to cheer me up because I have been so poorly. I do question why anybody would buy a person with pneumonia wine . ? Anyway I don’t know why but impulsively and in a detached from my feelings way I opened it and drank it .?what can I say ? So day one here I am again ….. the wine witch 1 – the sober queen 0 . 😐

Pneumonia

Hi I went to bed fine but woke up unable to breath . Been to a and e and diagnosed pneumonia. So I’m sorry I’m not going to be writing or reading blog posts . I am really poorly . But just wanted to let you know I’m not off drinking , im still sober I’m

Just poorly . Be back in few days when I hopefully start to feel better xx

Why I am quitting booze

So booze 🍷, wine in particular has plagued me . So I thought I would find it helpful to put pen to paper to think about what I don’t like about alcohol and me . 😐

1/ it has made me fat . When I drink I eat crap , I eat crap while I am drinking and the next day .

2/ I look bloated

3/ it isn’t a good role model for my daughters . They don’t see me drunk but do see me with glass wine in hand frequently

4/ I frequently don’t remember going to bed

5/ I sleep badly often waking up around three am feeling anxious

6/ I constantly feel tired because I am always semi hungover

7/ I have lost motivation at work

8/ I constantly think about what time I can have a glass of wine

9/ I have Crohn’s disease and will make myself ill if I continue to drink as I have been

10/ I have no off switch x however my good intentions once I start to drink I drink till the alcohol is gone or until I pass out .

11/my memory is poor

12/ I can feel generally anxious

13/ I have experienced depression and in anti depressants but actually don’t know if it’s alcohol or a genuine depression and anxiety disorder .

So what do I hope to achieve from stopping alcohol

1/ better sleep

2/ reduced anxiety

3/ more patience as a mum

4/ happier person

5/ improved physical health

6/ more positive attitude

7/better role model for daughters

8/improved mood

9/ remembering what I have read / watched

10/ more energy

11/get a true idea of how my symptoms of crohns are

12/ improved skin

13/ lose weight

14/ improve memory

15: more money 💰.

The sober queen xxxx

Still day 6 and other addicts

So just sat thinking and last year I engaged in therapy with some success .i learnt that I have an issue with boundaries in general . But I am reflecting now and think what was my therapist thinking ! I have had therapy before but this time I specifically sought it for alcohol 🍷.

I first rang and explained I felt frightened and out of control with alcohol and food mainly but alcohol I desperately needed to address . I explained I was drinking a bottle of wine daily . Her response “you had the rest of the population ” . I didn’t feel as bad . My therapist was a general nurse by background who had worked in addictions she trained as a therapist . In therapy I explained I needed to stop . I was told I didn’t need to stop as we had established I wasn’t physically addicted and I would gradually moderate as my self esteem rose 🌹. If I continued to drink it would give us something to work on . I look back now and think how bloody irresponsible.

I spoke to my gorgeous friend Jane . Jane is a mental health nurse ( as am I ) who worked in addiction for many years . Most people I no drink a bottle of wine a day she told me , do you think it’s out if perception in your mind ?

When I stopped two years ago for four or five months people looked st me like was insane. My family members hated I wasn’t drinking but I look at them all now and though love them all , they are all heavy drinkers

As belle says in her book tired of thinking about drinking “surround yourself with other addicts and anything can appear normal ”

Day 6-fighting back

Woke up today feeling bit better . The complete and utter overwhelming exhaustion has eased . And it’s the weekend x yeh ….

how I managed not to drink last night is amazing . The wine witch was loud and persistent. But do you know what she eventually went away . It didn’t last for ever , even though it felt like it would .

So now I prepare for battle for the weekend . I am not planning the whole weekend . I just want to get through tonight first .

So I could buy a bottle of wine and the first glass would be bliss , then I would be in a battle in my head of trying to drink slowly . I would be thinking I wish it was time to put my daughter to bed . It would get to half eight and I would put her to bed . I would be feeling very grumpy by this point as I would want to drink quickly . Wine time . I would come back down and drink wine quickly and perhaps a couple of gins and pass out . Wake up feeling a bit hungover .

Alternative x bottle af wine chilling . We order a takeaway and choose a family movie . I make a fuss if youngest daughter and hubby and we chat and have fun and my youngest gets to stay up a bit . I wake up tomorrow fresh . It’s a no brainier isn’t it ???

So wine witch bring it in x let battle commence xxxx

The sober queen

Day 5 =exhausted

I don’t know where to start .? Yesterday after work I raced home and whizzed back out of the house to bring my daughter to her performance . It was fab but I was exhausted. Wrong week to start full time . We got home around ten and I went to bed exhausted. What threw me at the concert was they were selling wine . I hadn’t expected that . I was also dreading a meeting I had this morning and could have so easily dived into the wine x I didn’t I went home . …. today said meeting went ok and we are back at performance tonight . I have left my purse at home by accident so I wander if I’m being looked after somewhere ? So I left home grumpy with hubby and feel completed exhausted and grumpy and emotional . Had so many shall i shan’t I conversations in my head . It’s such hard work . Day 5 has been touch . I want to sit and cry and sleep . Is it normal

To be so exhausted? I have downloaded the app on my phone so it seems to be doing its own thing in paragraphs lol and I’m rushing but I really needed to just reach out . To say I’m here , I’m struggling and is this normal

. I want to tell myself to get a grip and pull myself together . I feel frustrated and annoyed with myself , but I can’t get over how exhausted I am . It reminds me of having a new born and so emotional . Anyway on to the performance . I wander if the wine witch is starting nattering as it’s Friday tomorrow and she is working her poison on me already . Trying to wear me down for the weekend . It’s been a long week you deserve a drink she says . I say me and my children deserve a rested and hangover free weekend . My hubby came home with a case of beer as his weekend starts here . Ok I’m

Sorry I’ve rambled but need to dash . Sending love you all xxx the sober queen xxx

Day 4 – aches and pains

Morning 🙂

well I have woke up on day four feeling cotton woolly headed , if that makes any sense ?My head aches and my throat is a tad sore. I feel like I cant wake up. I am presuming this is the toxins of alcohol leaving my body ? I had a recurring headache yesterday too and achy legs .

On the positive side I am sleeping so soundly . No waking at 4am and tossing and turning unable to get back to sleep. Alongside the 4am wake was usual anxiety and angst . The other positive thing is I haven’t reached a day 4 in months and months, I bet not since 2017 . I feel frightened. I know that I can be very impulsive and suddenly buy a bottle of wine without questioning myself . I feel safe today as my eldest daughter is in her school performance tonight and so I wont be home until 10pm so I wont have any opportunity to drink . The same tomorrow.

Friday evening I am planning on a bubble bath but later on in the evening. I have to mix my routine up a bit . So Friday a long soak in a bubble bath after little girl (youngest) has gone to bed, perhaps a face pack too .

I have read so much around alcohol. In 2017 I stopped after reading this naked mind , which is a fantastic book but despite reading it again and again , has not embedded itself into my brain to work again.

However I have recently read “I’m tired of thinking about drinking ” , and you know that’s exactly how I feel. I am soooo tired and exhausted by the effects of alcohol on my physical and mental health but I’m tired of thinking about it ALL THE BLOODY TIME. One thing that really stuck with me was Belle says something along the lines of , and this isn’t a direct quote as I may have it wrong but something like ” If you keep doing the same thing and you keep drinking you need to change what you are doing ” . Oh yeh I thought . Why on earth have I not thought of this before ?

So my recent attempts have gone like this. Over xmas drank like a fish . So after xmas decided not to drink Mon , Tuesday and wed and have stuck to that . So sunday would go , right I’m going to stop drinking. I wouldn’t drink Mon- wed as that was my new rule and I would stick to it ( for now ) , and Thursday on way home from work ( my last working day was a Thursday ) buy a bottle of wine. I didn’t put anything in place to try and change this and wandered why it didn’t work !

So the differences this time are ,

1/ I now work full time so Thursday night isn’t my last day of the working week.

2/ I am going to change around my routine on a Friday and put in a bubble bath later in the evening.

3/ started a blog to make me accountable and help keep me grounded

4/ reading other peoples sober blogs daily.on an evening , especially at the weekend when I need them the most and need to stay grounded.

5/ Stay grounded . Meditate .

5/reading different books on alcohol , I have a number in my book shelf and I am reading at least a chapter a day .

love the sober queen.

see you on day 5 xx