I signed up for the alcohol experiment on sat . By Annie grace and my start day was yesterday . So today I am on day two .

I have also continued reading my quit lit . I am reading a book about the steps of aa . The first step being ” we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – our lives had become unmanageable ” .

It went on to say that the obsession of the problem drinker is being able to drink like a normal person . And that they will set rules, ie no drinking before six , not through the week etc that they all break . It says that many people are stuck at this stage for years .

This seems so true for me . I have spent so much time And energy figuring out how I could drink normally as I couldn’t bear the thought of never drinking again .

But something has shifted . I am starting to accept and need to keep working on my acceptance that I just can’t drink because I do not drink like a normal person . I have had years of trying and it just doesn’t work . Once I start I can’t stop . I have no off button and despite years of trying to develop one it has not happened . Whether I change my drink , alternate with water , all my intentions go out of the window . It does not work . And all the rules I set I break . Only drink when I’m out , lasted two days , only drink gin and no wine , lasted a week . Don’t drink before six pm , oh well it’s half five so close enough . I Cannot moderate . I can’t . So I’m working on step one . I get it . I think it’s finally dawning on me …..

Well day three here again . Feeling more positive and sleeping better x

Have decided though I cannot do this on my own. So I have done a couple of things . The first I have looked into getting a recovery coach and have an assessment planned in with her next week .

Secondly I have looked for aa groups around my area and have written them all down . I have the information there at the drop of a hat should I need it .

Thirdly I have been looking into medication and I’m not sure if that is something to consider or if I want to broach with gp, but will mull it over .

This is a very short post . I don’t have much to say today . I feel that things are starting to shift . Maybe this is the calm before the storm ☔️ xxx

here again ,

Standing small ,

So fed up ,

So scared to fall ,

This same old journey

Begins again ,

Different outcome ?

Different gain ?

I hope and prey ,

And won’t give up ,

I really have had enough ,

Life through the eyes of a big wine glass ,

Really becomes a lot of a hash .

So Day one I’m here again .

Fragile and scared ,

But I need to be brave

I know that life can be so great

I have so much good and so much love

But first I need to rid the witch

The ugly horrible mean old witch

With wine in her hand and a smile on her face ,

She will be there wherever I turn .

But it’s time to beat her , to squash her power , to keep her quiet hour after hour .

Goodbye now my faithful friend , I don’t need you anymore , you have reached your end xxxx

So I continued to go on with life until a traumatic event and then I drank a lot . I remember I couldn’t write more than my name in my re gcse because I was soooo hungover . I began to take a hundred laxatives a day and make myself vomit after food . I binged though so badly . I binged in food and alcohol and was totally out of control on every level and desperately unhappy . I was referred to a child psychiatric and she wanted to admit me to hospital . I went to look round and felt I could talk to the staff but my mum said there was no way her daughter was being admitted to a place like that and I stopped seeing the psychiatrist and we stopped talking about my very disordered eating . I was 14 at that time . We just ignored it .

I carried on drinking and binging and vomiting and then my dad developed lung cancer . My dad was 44 and I was 17 , my brother 16. Dad became very poorly very quickly and we very sadly watched him for a dreadful death of cancer . We were all heartbroken.

This sounds like I’m blaming but I’m really not . I guess I’m just trying to make sense of things , to understand why I am and try and change that . My mum totally fell apart . She cried from the moment she got up in a morning until she went to bed at night . She used to say things like I wish somebody would stab me when I’m taking the dog out , or if it wasn’t for you and your brother I would kill myself x

My mum is an identical twin sister and her sister used to say ‘don’t cry you have to look after your mum ‘ or ‘ it’s ok for you , you will grow older and meet someone and have children but your mum never will ‘

As a consequence my brother and I hid our grief . We all muddled on on our own journeys totally alone .

I had always wanted to be an actress and my dad had always encouraged me so at 18 I auditioned for a drama school in London and was accepted . In hindsight living in London on my own after my dad had just died and I was so bloody unhappy and destructive anyway wasn’t the best idea but off I went to live in London .

I hated it . I felt anxious and drank lots of alcohol and became anorexic with bulimia . I couldn’t say I wanted to go home so looking back I think I showed my mum. I became anorexic and lost lots of weight that I was so poorly I had to leave and move back home and be admitted into hospital.

I love my mum but she did some weird things . She sneaked me wine into hospital without my asking her . She put up pictures of pigs on the fridge saying those who indulge bulge . She left laxatives lying around when I was taking 100 a day : my therapist said usually we have parents ringing saying how can we help but we haven’t had any of that with your mum . They insisted on coming to visit me at tea time even though Katie told them meal times was very distressing for me and they couldn’t see me then . It really was bizarre .

Ok today is my first day back at work after pneumonia and I need to go to a meeting . But I feel I need to work through all this in my mind and try and make sense .

Today is also day one ☝️ of no wine again for me .

Today I will not drink x

Much love the sober queen 👸

Growing up my parents owned a hotel . It was full of people all the time . We had staff we had guests . We had a bar . I don’t remember my first alcoholic drink but I remember I regularly walked into the bar on an evening and asked my dad for a glass of wine . In fact I used to help myself . Blue nun it was then .

My parents were very busy . We were very loved that I am sure and as I write this it isn’t about blame . As an adult I take responsibility for my own choices , I’m just going back to try and make sense of things , how I have got here , what is holding me back from change .

We didn’t have many boundaries. My parents were busy . I remember going to the pub at thirteen years old and getting drunk and smoking a spliff and my friend and I went back to my house and nobody asked where we had been or noticed we were drunk . I got away with murder because my parents were so busy working hard to provide a nice life for us . I look back and I think I was screaming for some attention . I remember leaving a bag of speed on my pillow and my mum didn’t mention it . I left it out deliberately. Because I had so much freedom , I got into Alstorts it messes .

I became increasingly unhappy and became very eating disordered . The hotel was a breeding ground for eating disorders. The waitresses used to say ‘ I’m just going to make myself sick ‘ . Three of the waitresses had anorexia and a number bulimia . My mum had a weird relationship with food and I always felt I had to be thin to be loved . My mum is a twin sister and her sister worked at the hotel too and my cousin so there’ was lots of competition around who could be the thinnest .

I remember one of the waitresses teaching me how to make myself sick after eating . We took laxatives , made ourselves vomit , drank copious amounts of alcohol and used recreational drugs . I had absolutely no boundaries at all and I never learnt how to set boundaries for myself around anything .

Phew ! This is quite difficult to write there feels so much to say . I’m going to break and continue this post tomorrow xxxx

Ok so I no I need to stop drinking . I don’t know if I need to stop drinking forever but I think I definitely need to do a significant amount of time . So my challenge will be a year . This should allow significant time to reflect on my relationships with alcohol and re set my relationship with alcohol . That said I am not in the right mind set and I am unsure how to get myself back into the right mindset ! I am reading so much on alcohol . I am about to start reading I need to stop drinking so I’ll let you know my thoughts on that . I need to stop drinking but at the moment don’t know how . I feel stuck in the contemplation stage of the cycle of change and need to move myself through . Maybe I should start at the beginning and explore my early relationship with alcohol 🍷. I think so xxx

The sober queen

Well I have had pneumonia and just starting to recover . Yesterday was Mother’s Day in the uk and I had a lovely day with my gorgeous girls but my mum had brought me a bottle of wine to cheer me up because I have been so poorly. I do question why anybody would buy a person with pneumonia wine . ? Anyway I don’t know why but impulsively and in a detached from my feelings way I opened it and drank it .?what can I say ? So day one here I am again ….. the wine witch 1 – the sober queen 0 . 😐