Where I began

Growing up my parents owned a hotel . It was full of people all the time . We had staff we had guests . We had a bar . I don’t remember my first alcoholic drink but I remember I regularly walked into the bar on an evening and asked my dad for a glass of wine . In fact I used to help myself . Blue nun it was then .

My parents were very busy . We were very loved that I am sure and as I write this it isn’t about blame . As an adult I take responsibility for my own choices , I’m just going back to try and make sense of things , how I have got here , what is holding me back from change .

We didn’t have many boundaries. My parents were busy . I remember going to the pub at thirteen years old and getting drunk and smoking a spliff and my friend and I went back to my house and nobody asked where we had been or noticed we were drunk . I got away with murder because my parents were so busy working hard to provide a nice life for us . I look back and I think I was screaming for some attention . I remember leaving a bag of speed on my pillow and my mum didn’t mention it . I left it out deliberately. Because I had so much freedom , I got into Alstorts it messes .

I became increasingly unhappy and became very eating disordered . The hotel was a breeding ground for eating disorders. The waitresses used to say ‘ I’m just going to make myself sick ‘ . Three of the waitresses had anorexia and a number bulimia . My mum had a weird relationship with food and I always felt I had to be thin to be loved . My mum is a twin sister and her sister worked at the hotel too and my cousin so there’ was lots of competition around who could be the thinnest .

I remember one of the waitresses teaching me how to make myself sick after eating . We took laxatives , made ourselves vomit , drank copious amounts of alcohol and used recreational drugs . I had absolutely no boundaries at all and I never learnt how to set boundaries for myself around anything .

Phew ! This is quite difficult to write there feels so much to say . I’m going to break and continue this post tomorrow xxxx

Wine witch 🧙‍♀️ 100 – the wrong mind set

Ok so I no I need to stop drinking . I don’t know if I need to stop drinking forever but I think I definitely need to do a significant amount of time . So my challenge will be a year . This should allow significant time to reflect on my relationships with alcohol and re set my relationship with alcohol . That said I am not in the right mind set and I am unsure how to get myself back into the right mindset ! I am reading so much on alcohol . I am about to start reading I need to stop drinking so I’ll let you know my thoughts on that . I need to stop drinking but at the moment don’t know how . I feel stuck in the contemplation stage of the cycle of change and need to move myself through . Maybe I should start at the beginning and explore my early relationship with alcohol 🍷. I think so xxx

The sober queen

Day 1 ….again

Well I have had pneumonia and just starting to recover . Yesterday was Mother’s Day in the uk and I had a lovely day with my gorgeous girls but my mum had brought me a bottle of wine to cheer me up because I have been so poorly. I do question why anybody would buy a person with pneumonia wine . ? Anyway I don’t know why but impulsively and in a detached from my feelings way I opened it and drank it .?what can I say ? So day one here I am again ….. the wine witch 1 – the sober queen 0 . 😐

Pneumonia

Hi I went to bed fine but woke up unable to breath . Been to a and e and diagnosed pneumonia. So I’m sorry I’m not going to be writing or reading blog posts . I am really poorly . But just wanted to let you know I’m not off drinking , im still sober I’m

Just poorly . Be back in few days when I hopefully start to feel better xx

Why I am quitting booze

So booze 🍷, wine in particular has plagued me . So I thought I would find it helpful to put pen to paper to think about what I don’t like about alcohol and me . 😐

1/ it has made me fat . When I drink I eat crap , I eat crap while I am drinking and the next day .

2/ I look bloated

3/ it isn’t a good role model for my daughters . They don’t see me drunk but do see me with glass wine in hand frequently

4/ I frequently don’t remember going to bed

5/ I sleep badly often waking up around three am feeling anxious

6/ I constantly feel tired because I am always semi hungover

7/ I have lost motivation at work

8/ I constantly think about what time I can have a glass of wine

9/ I have Crohn’s disease and will make myself ill if I continue to drink as I have been

10/ I have no off switch x however my good intentions once I start to drink I drink till the alcohol is gone or until I pass out .

11/my memory is poor

12/ I can feel generally anxious

13/ I have experienced depression and in anti depressants but actually don’t know if it’s alcohol or a genuine depression and anxiety disorder .

So what do I hope to achieve from stopping alcohol

1/ better sleep

2/ reduced anxiety

3/ more patience as a mum

4/ happier person

5/ improved physical health

6/ more positive attitude

7/better role model for daughters

8/improved mood

9/ remembering what I have read / watched

10/ more energy

11/get a true idea of how my symptoms of crohns are

12/ improved skin

13/ lose weight

14/ improve memory

15: more money 💰.

The sober queen xxxx

Still day 6 and other addicts

So just sat thinking and last year I engaged in therapy with some success .i learnt that I have an issue with boundaries in general . But I am reflecting now and think what was my therapist thinking ! I have had therapy before but this time I specifically sought it for alcohol 🍷.

I first rang and explained I felt frightened and out of control with alcohol and food mainly but alcohol I desperately needed to address . I explained I was drinking a bottle of wine daily . Her response “you had the rest of the population ” . I didn’t feel as bad . My therapist was a general nurse by background who had worked in addictions she trained as a therapist . In therapy I explained I needed to stop . I was told I didn’t need to stop as we had established I wasn’t physically addicted and I would gradually moderate as my self esteem rose 🌹. If I continued to drink it would give us something to work on . I look back now and think how bloody irresponsible.

I spoke to my gorgeous friend Jane . Jane is a mental health nurse ( as am I ) who worked in addiction for many years . Most people I no drink a bottle of wine a day she told me , do you think it’s out if perception in your mind ?

When I stopped two years ago for four or five months people looked st me like was insane. My family members hated I wasn’t drinking but I look at them all now and though love them all , they are all heavy drinkers

As belle says in her book tired of thinking about drinking “surround yourself with other addicts and anything can appear normal ”

Day 6-fighting back

Woke up today feeling bit better . The complete and utter overwhelming exhaustion has eased . And it’s the weekend x yeh ….

how I managed not to drink last night is amazing . The wine witch was loud and persistent. But do you know what she eventually went away . It didn’t last for ever , even though it felt like it would .

So now I prepare for battle for the weekend . I am not planning the whole weekend . I just want to get through tonight first .

So I could buy a bottle of wine and the first glass would be bliss , then I would be in a battle in my head of trying to drink slowly . I would be thinking I wish it was time to put my daughter to bed . It would get to half eight and I would put her to bed . I would be feeling very grumpy by this point as I would want to drink quickly . Wine time . I would come back down and drink wine quickly and perhaps a couple of gins and pass out . Wake up feeling a bit hungover .

Alternative x bottle af wine chilling . We order a takeaway and choose a family movie . I make a fuss if youngest daughter and hubby and we chat and have fun and my youngest gets to stay up a bit . I wake up tomorrow fresh . It’s a no brainier isn’t it ???

So wine witch bring it in x let battle commence xxxx

The sober queen