Pneumonia

Hi I went to bed fine but woke up unable to breath . Been to a and e and diagnosed pneumonia. So I’m sorry I’m not going to be writing or reading blog posts . I am really poorly . But just wanted to let you know I’m not off drinking , im still sober I’m

Just poorly . Be back in few days when I hopefully start to feel better xx

Why I am quitting booze

So booze 🍷, wine in particular has plagued me . So I thought I would find it helpful to put pen to paper to think about what I don’t like about alcohol and me . 😐

1/ it has made me fat . When I drink I eat crap , I eat crap while I am drinking and the next day .

2/ I look bloated

3/ it isn’t a good role model for my daughters . They don’t see me drunk but do see me with glass wine in hand frequently

4/ I frequently don’t remember going to bed

5/ I sleep badly often waking up around three am feeling anxious

6/ I constantly feel tired because I am always semi hungover

7/ I have lost motivation at work

8/ I constantly think about what time I can have a glass of wine

9/ I have Crohn’s disease and will make myself ill if I continue to drink as I have been

10/ I have no off switch x however my good intentions once I start to drink I drink till the alcohol is gone or until I pass out .

11/my memory is poor

12/ I can feel generally anxious

13/ I have experienced depression and in anti depressants but actually don’t know if it’s alcohol or a genuine depression and anxiety disorder .

So what do I hope to achieve from stopping alcohol

1/ better sleep

2/ reduced anxiety

3/ more patience as a mum

4/ happier person

5/ improved physical health

6/ more positive attitude

7/better role model for daughters

8/improved mood

9/ remembering what I have read / watched

10/ more energy

11/get a true idea of how my symptoms of crohns are

12/ improved skin

13/ lose weight

14/ improve memory

15: more money πŸ’°.

The sober queen xxxx

Still day 6 and other addicts

So just sat thinking and last year I engaged in therapy with some success .i learnt that I have an issue with boundaries in general . But I am reflecting now and think what was my therapist thinking ! I have had therapy before but this time I specifically sought it for alcohol 🍷.

I first rang and explained I felt frightened and out of control with alcohol and food mainly but alcohol I desperately needed to address . I explained I was drinking a bottle of wine daily . Her response “you had the rest of the population ” . I didn’t feel as bad . My therapist was a general nurse by background who had worked in addictions she trained as a therapist . In therapy I explained I needed to stop . I was told I didn’t need to stop as we had established I wasn’t physically addicted and I would gradually moderate as my self esteem rose 🌹. If I continued to drink it would give us something to work on . I look back now and think how bloody irresponsible.

I spoke to my gorgeous friend Jane . Jane is a mental health nurse ( as am I ) who worked in addiction for many years . Most people I no drink a bottle of wine a day she told me , do you think it’s out if perception in your mind ?

When I stopped two years ago for four or five months people looked st me like was insane. My family members hated I wasn’t drinking but I look at them all now and though love them all , they are all heavy drinkers

As belle says in her book tired of thinking about drinking “surround yourself with other addicts and anything can appear normal ”

Day 6-fighting back

Woke up today feeling bit better . The complete and utter overwhelming exhaustion has eased . And it’s the weekend x yeh ….

how I managed not to drink last night is amazing . The wine witch was loud and persistent. But do you know what she eventually went away . It didn’t last for ever , even though it felt like it would .

So now I prepare for battle for the weekend . I am not planning the whole weekend . I just want to get through tonight first .

So I could buy a bottle of wine and the first glass would be bliss , then I would be in a battle in my head of trying to drink slowly . I would be thinking I wish it was time to put my daughter to bed . It would get to half eight and I would put her to bed . I would be feeling very grumpy by this point as I would want to drink quickly . Wine time . I would come back down and drink wine quickly and perhaps a couple of gins and pass out . Wake up feeling a bit hungover .

Alternative x bottle af wine chilling . We order a takeaway and choose a family movie . I make a fuss if youngest daughter and hubby and we chat and have fun and my youngest gets to stay up a bit . I wake up tomorrow fresh . It’s a no brainier isn’t it ???

So wine witch bring it in x let battle commence xxxx

The sober queen

Day 5 =exhausted

I don’t know where to start .? Yesterday after work I raced home and whizzed back out of the house to bring my daughter to her performance . It was fab but I was exhausted. Wrong week to start full time . We got home around ten and I went to bed exhausted. What threw me at the concert was they were selling wine . I hadn’t expected that . I was also dreading a meeting I had this morning and could have so easily dived into the wine x I didn’t I went home . …. today said meeting went ok and we are back at performance tonight . I have left my purse at home by accident so I wander if I’m being looked after somewhere ? So I left home grumpy with hubby and feel completed exhausted and grumpy and emotional . Had so many shall i shan’t I conversations in my head . It’s such hard work . Day 5 has been touch . I want to sit and cry and sleep . Is it normal

To be so exhausted? I have downloaded the app on my phone so it seems to be doing its own thing in paragraphs lol and I’m rushing but I really needed to just reach out . To say I’m here , I’m struggling and is this normal

. I want to tell myself to get a grip and pull myself together . I feel frustrated and annoyed with myself , but I can’t get over how exhausted I am . It reminds me of having a new born and so emotional . Anyway on to the performance . I wander if the wine witch is starting nattering as it’s Friday tomorrow and she is working her poison on me already . Trying to wear me down for the weekend . It’s been a long week you deserve a drink she says . I say me and my children deserve a rested and hangover free weekend . My hubby came home with a case of beer as his weekend starts here . Ok I’m

Sorry I’ve rambled but need to dash . Sending love you all xxx the sober queen xxx

Day 4 – aches and pains

Morning πŸ™‚

well I have woke up on day four feeling cotton woolly headed , if that makes any sense ?My head aches and my throat is a tad sore. I feel like I cant wake up. I am presuming this is the toxins of alcohol leaving my body ? I had a recurring headache yesterday too and achy legs .

On the positive side I am sleeping so soundly . No waking at 4am and tossing and turning unable to get back to sleep. Alongside the 4am wake was usual anxiety and angst . The other positive thing is I haven’t reached a day 4 in months and months, I bet not since 2017 . I feel frightened. I know that I can be very impulsive and suddenly buy a bottle of wine without questioning myself . I feel safe today as my eldest daughter is in her school performance tonight and so I wont be home until 10pm so I wont have any opportunity to drink . The same tomorrow.

Friday evening I am planning on a bubble bath but later on in the evening. I have to mix my routine up a bit . So Friday a long soak in a bubble bath after little girl (youngest) has gone to bed, perhaps a face pack too .

I have read so much around alcohol. In 2017 I stopped after reading this naked mind , which is a fantastic book but despite reading it again and again , has not embedded itself into my brain to work again.

However I have recently read “I’m tired of thinking about drinking ” , and you know that’s exactly how I feel. I am soooo tired and exhausted by the effects of alcohol on my physical and mental health but I’m tired of thinking about it ALL THE BLOODY TIME. One thing that really stuck with me was Belle says something along the lines of , and this isn’t a direct quote as I may have it wrong but something like ” If you keep doing the same thing and you keep drinking you need to change what you are doing ” . Oh yeh I thought . Why on earth have I not thought of this before ?

So my recent attempts have gone like this. Over xmas drank like a fish . So after xmas decided not to drink Mon , Tuesday and wed and have stuck to that . So sunday would go , right I’m going to stop drinking. I wouldn’t drink Mon- wed as that was my new rule and I would stick to it ( for now ) , and Thursday on way home from work ( my last working day was a Thursday ) buy a bottle of wine. I didn’t put anything in place to try and change this and wandered why it didn’t work !

So the differences this time are ,

1/ I now work full time so Thursday night isn’t my last day of the working week.

2/ I am going to change around my routine on a Friday and put in a bubble bath later in the evening.

3/ started a blog to make me accountable and help keep me grounded

4/ reading other peoples sober blogs daily.on an evening , especially at the weekend when I need them the most and need to stay grounded.

5/ Stay grounded . Meditate .

5/reading different books on alcohol , I have a number in my book shelf and I am reading at least a chapter a day .

love the sober queen.

see you on day 5 xx

Day 3 :)

well here I am on day three. Something weird happened last night . Monday I work tillΒ  five and then generally go do the food shop. My hubby picks my youngest up from school on a Monday and my eldest gets the bus home. So I got home last night , as normal for a Monday , around half six. I sat with my youngest a bit. I went up to see my eldest who was doing her homework and then put the food away. My hubby had bathed the youngest and both girls had had tea. I then had a shower and made girls supper, thinking I have to get everything done so I can sit down by half seven . My hubby loves to cook so once our youngest daughter is in bed he usually makes our tea. I put my youngest to bed and spent some time with my eldest and was sat downstairs by 19;20pm. Normally I would pour a big glass of wine whilst I waited for tea. But last night I thought I need to change this mindset. I am trying to get everything done so I can sit down and drink wine , but I am not doing that now. So maybe just maybe I could have tea and then have a relaxing bubble bath . My world will not fall apart. Why do I struggle with that in my mind ? Its because I am subconsciously preparing for wine o clock. Now this week that’s ok . As I have chosen the week to give up alcohol as the week I go full time at work ( I have had six years of two days ) . Also on A Tuesday I take my eldest daughter to a club and am there 6-9 . And wed and Thursday this week , my eldest is in a show so I am taking her there and back so it will be tennish I’m in. So last night as I was sat thinking about this I thought its ok this week on a Monday to sit in pjs by half seven and watch crappy TV as I have a busy week. Actually though I don’t think I can do this all the time and think I need to change my routine. I no it sounds ridiculous but changing the routine on an evening is such an obstacle in my mind . This week , and especially as the weekend approaches I am going to work hard to change my evening routine and see if it helps. Lets see if my world collapses around me. With the level of anxiety I feel , it might , but I am hoping I am surprised and my world stays put .

see you on day 4 xx

The sober queen xxxx