Day 3 :)

well here I am on day three. Something weird happened last night . Monday I work till  five and then generally go do the food shop. My hubby picks my youngest up from school on a Monday and my eldest gets the bus home. So I got home last night , as normal for a Monday , around half six. I sat with my youngest a bit. I went up to see my eldest who was doing her homework and then put the food away. My hubby had bathed the youngest and both girls had had tea. I then had a shower and made girls supper, thinking I have to get everything done so I can sit down by half seven . My hubby loves to cook so once our youngest daughter is in bed he usually makes our tea. I put my youngest to bed and spent some time with my eldest and was sat downstairs by 19;20pm. Normally I would pour a big glass of wine whilst I waited for tea. But last night I thought I need to change this mindset. I am trying to get everything done so I can sit down and drink wine , but I am not doing that now. So maybe just maybe I could have tea and then have a relaxing bubble bath . My world will not fall apart. Why do I struggle with that in my mind ? Its because I am subconsciously preparing for wine o clock. Now this week that’s ok . As I have chosen the week to give up alcohol as the week I go full time at work ( I have had six years of two days ) . Also on A Tuesday I take my eldest daughter to a club and am there 6-9 . And wed and Thursday this week , my eldest is in a show so I am taking her there and back so it will be tennish I’m in. So last night as I was sat thinking about this I thought its ok this week on a Monday to sit in pjs by half seven and watch crappy TV as I have a busy week. Actually though I don’t think I can do this all the time and think I need to change my routine. I no it sounds ridiculous but changing the routine on an evening is such an obstacle in my mind . This week , and especially as the weekend approaches I am going to work hard to change my evening routine and see if it helps. Lets see if my world collapses around me. With the level of anxiety I feel , it might , but I am hoping I am surprised and my world stays put .

see you on day 4 xx

The sober queen xxxx

Day two

So I am sat here on day 2. Yesterday was day 1 yet again. I contemplated Sat night and my husband and I ordered a takeaway and put a movie on. my eldest daughter was at a sleep over and my youngest was in bed by half seven. I remember my first glass of wine and my second, after that it gets all fuzzy . I do not remember the movie or the food. I drank the whole bottle really quickly, and then poured a huge gin . My hubby says I drank it really quickly and then passed out. I mean where is the fun in that ? Well lets be honest there is no fun in it at all. So yesterday I felt tired and ashamed and fed up. Totally sick to death of alcohol and sick to death of me .

I stopped drinking October 2017 on the 31st for 12 months. It turned into four months . From 1st Nov until the end of Feb 2018 I did not touch a drop. I just decided I wasn’t going to drink and so I didn’t . I didn’t drink over xmas , at weekends at parties. I just stopped and guess what ! it was super easy. I had it in my head and accepted I wasn’t going to drink. Why I suddenly started to drink again I do wander. So I did and drank more and more really .I have been trying to get back to the place where I just will not drink again and accept it. But after a million day ones I am desperate. I dwell on how easy it was in 2017 and so as soon as I get a craving I buy a bottle of wine. I usually make day three but then Thursday arrives and its the start of the weekend and I drink.

I am fat , unhappy , anxious , depressed, ashamed , miserable , lethargic and ive just had enough of the mental torment of when can I next drink. I don’t know if I can ever drink or moderate . So I am trying something different. I have created this blog where I can be accountable. I am hoping its like therapy. Because it is anonymous I can bear my soul and explore my relationship with alcohol and begin to live alcohol free. I don’t know if anyone will read it and I don’t think at the minute it matters.I need to try and clear some of the treacle in my head and make things better .so day 2 , mid afternoon and here I am . see you on day three xxxx

the sober queen xxxxx